Does your partners worth diminish based on the number of partners she has had? This is a common feeling among men, but one that should be dealt with and moved past in a healthy way. It is so important that we erase this from our vernacular and way of thinking so that the next generation of women can be raised as empowered and comfortable in their sexuality. Also, for the next generation of men to grow up non-judgmental and able to interact in relationships without feelings of jealousy getting in the way.
The more you both can focus on that together the better your relationship will become. Self-confidence is a harder thing to address as low self-confidence can stem from any number of places; even going back to childhood issues and insecurities.
However, it is important for your mental health to recognize yourself for your strengths and not compare yourself to others. This fear is easily assuaged by discussing the relationship with your partner head on.
Explain what you are feeling and ask for validation. Define the parameters of the relationship together and ask for assurance that you have no reason to fear. There are lots of places to get help available as well as online forums to discuss your feelings and insecurities or fears with other people who have experienced similar things.
Overall, jealousy is a feeling that will come and go throughout relationships. Fear of losing someone we love coupled with feelings of inadequacy or low self-esteem can exacerbate normal feelings. Feelings that would otherwise simply run their course and disappear quickly. Passion and deeply affecting personal feelings are one of the things that make us human. Recognizing that these feelings and any behaviors that stem from them can be harmful to that relationship is the first step to healing and moving forward in a way that benefits both you and your spouse.
Be honest with each other and yourself. If you are still struggling with feelings of jealousy, we can help you work through it with or without your partner. If this is something that is affecting you both, couples therapy might be exactly what you need to work together and move past this issue. Her previous relationships were the first thing I thought about in the morning and the last thing at night.
Social media is a huge magnifier for this issue. You have a backlog of posts and comments and images from your partner's past. And I dived into it. I'd scroll through old photos from before I knew her, reading comments, trying to figure out who certain people were, how they fitted into her life, whether there was an untold adventure from her past.
These were the things I did in private, then there was the real-life toll on our relationship. I would question my girlfriend incessantly. I would try to make her feel guilty about having had relationships in the past. I was incredibly hypocritical, considering my own past life had been similar to hers. And in stark contrast to me, she barely seemed to give my past relationships a second thought.
It was very hard on her. Try to imagine your lover constantly wrestling with your past, judging you. And then trying to make you feel bad about it, obsessed with things that don't matter any more Events you have no reason to feel shame or regret about.
Despite this, for the most part my ex would be very calm and loving, trying to reassure me, making it clear that I occupied a special place in her heart. And that would help, for a little while - until the same recurring thoughts and questions would return, often with a renewed intensity. It became a vicious cycle of unwanted thoughts and curiosity, followed by reassurance from my girlfriend, followed by a bit of relief.
And then right back to square one. Our relationship lasted for a few years but eventually it came to an end. My jealousy was a central factor. After we broke up I felt guilty and embarrassed for a long time.
I'd replay certain scenes from our relationship back in my head, and just cringe. Stupid fights, unnecessary arguments, that sort of thing. I harboured tremendous guilt for acting like such a jerk. That person didn't feel like "me".
I knew it was me, but it almost felt like I'd been hijacked by some annoying little demon. That might sound melodramatic, but I really felt as though I had lost control. Confiding in friends and family, even therapists and counsellors, wasn't fruitful.
No-one seemed to really understand. The common advice was generally to "just get over it". I started Googling phrases like "obsessed with girlfriend's past" and eventually came across the phrase "retroactive jealousy" on internet forums. People are Googling left and right but they don't know the name for this condition. It wasn't and isn't a common term. People suffering from retroactive jealousy get caught in a loop of obsessive thoughts, painful emotions, inconsiderate and irrational actions, and subsequent self-loathing.
From what I've read, it appears that many psychologists believe it falls within the spectrum of obsessive compulsive disorders. In these internet forums I found some sympathetic voices, but the vast majority of rhetoric felt toxic - there are a lot of men online who really don't like women. There were several who would justify their jealous behaviour and use the forums to demean women.
And that was confusing. This was the first place that people had some understanding of what I was going through, but there was a tremendous amount of misogyny and negativity. Other people in these forums would go to the opposite extreme. For them anyone who struggled with any aspect of a lover's previous relationships was a bad person acting irrationally.
I disagree with that. I was unable to find a ready-made community and I wanted to put that right. Ammanda Major, a counsellor at relationship advice service Relate. We do see cases in the counselling room where a person is fixated with their partners' previous sexual relationships. Jealousy is something most people recognise, however this kind of jealousy is quite different.
A person sometimes has flashbacks to events they didn't see, that they were never part of. This often leads to an obsessive cycle of thought and an unquenchable desire to get to a "truth" of what "really happened" between a partner and their previous lovers. They can end up tormenting themselves and their partner and in some cases the relationship can turn abusive.
Whether you're the person obsessing about the past or the person on the receiving end, I would recommend you get professional help and support. Firstly I needed some spiritual balance so I went to meditation retreats and started learning more about Buddhism. That was a significant step towards diminishing my ego. Perhaps there is something in your intimate relationship that you or she would like to work on or change.
Does it have to do more with how she felt or feels about her exes? Maybe you are feeling insecure about your relationship, or she is feeling disconnected from you and is craving closeness.
It is about how her family felt about a past relationship? Possibly you do not feel comfortable around her family, or she is experiencing some anxiety about introducing you to them.
Figure out what you are feeling. The emotions you experience may help guide you to what the real issue is. Here are some examples of how identifying what you are feeling can lead you to a deeper issue.
You might be feeling inadequate of down about yourself. Consider your self-esteem and whether it could use a boost! Are you worried that your girlfriend will "go back" to her ex?
You might be feeling anxious. Consider the trust between you both and see if you could address any issues. Do you get upset or angry when you hear about their relationship or things they have done together? You might be feeling jealous. Consider how secure you feel in your relationship and maybe talk about any insecurities you are feeling.
Evaluate the effect on your relationship. Chances are, even if you have not talked about it yet, she knows there is something bothering you. Consider how you might be making yourself and your girlfriend feel. Is it setting her up to feel guilty? Remember the past is the past and she can't do anything to change what has already happened.
Neither can you. Is is leading to fights or hostility between the two of you? Feelings of anger and resentment could be resulting from the thoughts and the complications it is causing in your relationship. Are you both happy in your current relationship? What are you both doing to try to help? Method 3. Know you are not alone. This is a common issue in relationships causing anxiety and something your girlfriend may be struggling with as well. Express your feelings about the situation. Work on making sure you are not suppressing how you feel.
If these feelings and thoughts are genuinely causing distraction or problems for you, you should not try to simply forget them. You want to be able to feel totally comfortable and confident with your girl. By suppressing or ignoring your emotions you are risking they will come back up at a later time. By not opening up to your girlfriend and working through the problem you will just be shutting her out creating more potential issues between you two.
Bring it out in the open by talking about it. If you have determined that the patterns, focus, and behavior are being caused by you, you may find that you'd like to bring it up to your girlfriend. Bringing it up will give you the chance to let her know what you have been thinking about, and how you feel. Try to be open minded and consider what your girlfriend has to say about the issue. Mention how you feel and what's bothering you. It would really help me if Find a solution.
If you discover that the overthinking is due to your girlfriend bringing up the topic, it's time to talk. Let her know how you feel when she mentions her ex and give her a chance to explain. Take the conversation slowly, step by step and work towards coming to an agreement about how you can both change or how you can work on it to move forward. Connell Barrett Dating Coach. Connell Barrett. Rather than focusing on the past, try to look forward to the future that you're building together.
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